Monday, September 14, 2009

Dose of No-fucking-help Whatsoever

My GP was next to no help. Recommended a shrink . . . in Poughkeepsie, which is 40 minutes away by car. The car that I don't own and am not licensed to drive. Bus travel up here is complicated and sparse at best--nonexistent after six pm.

So . . . so much for hopes of not having to put up with this anymore. With not having to feel like I'm crumbling all the time. Help may as well be on Pluto, and I'm stuck like this.

I was crying for awhile. On the bus ride home. Not loud or anything, just couldn't make the tears stop. People kept giving me looks. I was angry at first. Now, I'm just extremely tired . . . and crying again. I need to lay down with Morphine blasting to cover up the sound of the idiot roofers, and of my fucking idiot brain doing what it does so very badly.

Maybe in time I'll adapt. Whatever's wrong with me, be it psychological, chemical, or both, I've had it for a really long time. The fact that it's been getting noticeably worse and more intense for the past six months means nothing, really. I'll just deal, like I always have, whether it keeps escalating, or whether I (and this proves hope springs eternally, like a geyser of stupid) finally emotionally burnout and stop feeling at all. If the time comes when I can't deal anymore, then I suppose we'll just have to see what we see.

4 comments:

  1. Meh. I figure, we all bring a certain amount of apathy, and I-give-two-shits to our jobs, or careers, no matter how wonderful. For physical ailments, she's been pretty great--but she's not a shrink, and she was out of her depth. I expected a bit more from her than I got, but I didn't expect miracles . . . so to speak. I wouldn't go to a confectioner for a decent steak, after all. (But it would be nice if said confectioner could recommend a competent butcher.)

    Hey--my analogies are getting better :D
    ::rocks out::

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  2. Do you have a supportive circle of friends or family, that can help carry you through? Bipolar depression runs in my family, and it can be rough, no question. Fortunately I only had to go on meds for just a few months; my family was tonic enough, most of the time. Hang on!

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  3. I know someone who is very close who has depression, schitzophrania, and a anxiety problem. With meds and the help of friends and family, she manages. But it took her a long time to find the right meds, and before that she had a few bouts of really bad schitzophrania and depression. From this, it looks like you have depression, which a shrink really helps her with. Maybe you could ask a friend to drive you there?

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