From a post I made on the richarddawkins.net forum:
I can't imagine a life so fulfilling I don't mind dying. By the same token, I can only imagine truly welcoming death if life was so horrible, not existing would be immeasurably better. The older I get, the more I think it's all the same. I mean, I'm glad I'm not scrounging for scraps in Calcutta, but that doesn't change the most inescapable fact about any life.
I think I'm still in the acceptance phase for all of this. I've realized that nothing I could do--hunting terrorists, writing symphonies, serial-killing, spending the rest of my life in a bottle, contemplating my navel--will protect me from death. In that sense, it's all the same thing, all means the same thing. Now I just have to figure out how to make that work for me. Thank goodness I have the rest of my life to do it, though, cuz it ain't gonna be easy, lol.
So . . . where's the rage, then? I was so angry yesterday morning--had been for so long. Angry that I would die, and that my consciousness wouldn't go on. That everything I was brought up to believe was bullshit. That nothing really matters when at the end of even the best life, there's a pretty big-ass brick wall.
But now . . . I'm just . . . I dunno. It's like I don't feel anything anymore. I mean, I still find stuff kinda funny, or kinda annoying, or kinda whatever. But I don't feel things deeply, fully anymore. And why should I? None of it matters, right?
Is that wrong?
"If nothing we do matters, the only thing that matters is what we do."
From Angel, the Series. Possibly one of the most awesome quotes ever, because it's true. Eerily yin yang. It's like a reversible coat, only both sides are rockin, instead of just the one side. Yet I can't help seeing the glass as half empty. Very much: if the only thing that matters is what we do, then nothing matters.
I'm trying here, really, I but I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. With anything. What I should be doing.
Here it is. The second of your daily dose of Ridonkulus angst. Try not to choke.
::sighs::
"The Seether is neither big nor small. The Seether is the center of it all."--Veruca Salt
Great introspective post. I was mulling over something similar recently. Halfway through Carl Sagan's Billions and Billions, right at the climax of his impassioned plea for us to stop wrecking the Earth, I felt myself growing increasingly nihilistic. It's not that his case for protecting the environment wasn't well written. It was; but his editor made the mistake of having it follow a section on the microscopic insignificance of our planet in the Universe. But I reconcile it this way. We only get one life, and while there are no spiritual deterrents for living a bad one, there are huge corporeal and mental advantages to living a good one. I keep myself fit, read plenty of books, eat well, indulge in hobbies and see as much of the world as I can because it fulfills me. Perhaps in the halls of human remembrance my paltry contribution to the species won't count for much, but I enjoy doing whatever it is that I do. If I can make a positive impact on others' lives too, in whatever way, then I think that's point enough for living a good life.
ReplyDeleteGreat introspective post. I was mulling over something similar recently. Halfway through Carl Sagan's Billions and Billions, right at the climax of his impassioned plea for us to stop wrecking the Earth, I felt myself growing increasingly nihilistic.
ReplyDeleteI find nihilism strangely satisfying. I always have. It seems to make sense of so much of human nature.
I've got so many books and things on my plate, trying to catch up with the thinking world. I haven't even made it Sagan, yet, though I'm drooling at the thought of "The Pale Blue Dot" and "The Demon Haunted World".
It's not that his case for protecting the environment wasn't well written. It was; but his editor made the mistake of having it follow a section on the microscopic insignificance of our planet in the Universe.
Strategically speaking, yeah, that was kinda dumb. Like saying, "Now, little Billy, clean up your room. It's only a few more days till the house explodes."
Bad analogy, but I like explosions.
But I reconcile it this way. We only get one life, and while there are no spiritual deterrents for living a bad one, there are huge corporeal and mental advantages to living a good one. I keep myself fit, read plenty of books, eat well, indulge in hobbies and see as much of the world as I can because it fulfills me.
May I ask how? How does it fulfill you? I can see being distracted--the world is filled with no end of shiny things. Things I can't even imagine, I'm sure. But doesn't the shinyness wear off? Is long-term fulfillment even possible? There's little worse than finding something you think is fulfilling, to then have it fall flat with time. And not even gads of time, but like--a year or two.
I'm easily distracted, but never for long : /
Perhaps in the halls of human remembrance my paltry contribution to the species won't count for much, but I enjoy doing whatever it is that I do.
I guess that's what I need to learn how to do. I have no idea how to start.
If I can make a positive impact on others' lives too, in whatever way, then I think that's point enough for living a good life.
Hmm. I'm not wired to find doing bad or mean things satisfying--at least to random innocent people--so I doubt turning into a super villain would make anything better, lol. And even if it did, I'd be in the same boat--I just stole from that widow and set the orphanage on fire, and it was fun, but now what?
There has to be some kind of formula for living a life that's fulfilling, without relying heavily--or at all on being good or bad. Doesn't there?
May I ask how? How does it fulfill you? I can see being distracted--the world is filled with no end of shiny things. Things I can't even imagine, I'm sure. But doesn't the shinyness wear off? Is long-term fulfillment even possible? There's little worse than finding something you think is fulfilling, to then have it fall flat with time. And not even gads of time, but like--a year or two.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say 'shininess' I don't think (correct me if I'm wrong) you're referring exclusively to material acquisitions, gadgets etc, but also perhaps the fleeting sense of achievement from having, say, read a book, cooked a nice meal, etc. Is that right? I guess the thing is the shininess does wear off, but that is itself the motivation for continually learning new things and finding new horizons. For example, I learned to play guitar a few years ago. The impetus to improve came from the sense of fulfillment I received from actually improving. A positive feedback cycle, I suppose. But now I feel like skill-wise I've plateaued, and playing guitar is like musical masturbation. What's the next goal? Join a band perhaps. My point is that you pursue whims and see where they take you, and as long as you get enjoyment from them, you'll keep pushing the boundaries.
Sorry for waxing "life coach". You just asked an interesting question, heh.